“I’m so anxious about moving. What if I don’t know enough or I’m not good at this? What if I don’t fit in and make friends in LA?” This is only a small sample of questioning that was contained in my journal before making the move to Los Angeles, questioning essentially if things were going to work out the way I thought they could in my head. Previously I had always assumed people take risks because they have overwhelming confidence and certainty that things would work in their favor. However, when you take risks, you can never really know that things will work out. Rather, despite the possibilities of failure or self-doubt you may feel, there’s a greater part of you that believes you could succeed. I hope that is the biggest takeaway from my experience, and that you are capable of much more than you think.

So what did I do?

I could honestly write a book on my experiences in California, based on what actually happened and what I learned along the way. I’ll try to summarize as much as possible, but know there is a lot missing.

The Basics

I came to California thanks to my high school teammate Meghan Toomey and Academy of Lacrosse Co-Founder Randy Grube. For this, I am forever grateful for the opportunity they provided me to not only help the Santa Monica Dragons and Fire programs but for the opportunity to change my life. In addition to working with the club and rec programs in Santa Monica, I served as the head girl’s lacrosse coach at Westlake High School and boys and girls youth director for the Westlake Waves rec program. In 2018, I took on internships at Santa Monica College and Mamba Sports Academy (later became training employee), in the Spring of 2018 wrote an analysis of games to watch every week for IL Women. I passed my Certification for Strength and Conditioning test in early 2019 after spending 2018 studying as much as I could. Later on, I went to earn my Level One Coaching Certification under the Nutrition Coaching Institute. During the 2019 season, I wrote for MaxLaxLA and provided game and player analysis for LaxRatz. There were also training camps, clinics, individuals, volunteer coaching with the inaugural program at Cal Lutheran, and coaching the Los Angeles Women’s Developmental National Team with one of my best friends. There’s a 99% chance I’m missing some things but safe to say a lot happened in two years’ time.

How did it all go?

All I knew when I arrived was that I wanted to pass on the passion I had for the game of lacrosse, while positively impacting the girls’ lives on and off the field. There is so much I wanted to teach them so that they would have better experiences than me, and maybe their journeys would be a little easier, less painful than I made mine to be. As you could read from my story, I grew up a perfectionist. I held myself back from so much because I was scared of making mistakes. My self-worth and confidence were solely tied to my grades and playing abilities so much that when I failed or performed less than ideal it tore me apart internally. I wanted the girls I coached to learn this doesn’t have to be the case for them. I wanted to teach them positive habits and ways of thinking that would help them increase their confidence, improve stress management and mental health, increase their love of lacrosse and playing the game, and improve their overall well-being and path to success. These are very broad goals and I wasn’t exactly sure how I would accomplish them.

What I knew is one of the most important things about coaching a team, especially one filled with girls is that community is everything. I knew they would be excited about and enjoy their experience if they liked the people they played with. All people perform better in environments where they feel confident to be themselves, have a sense of belonging, and feel like they matter. As you might imagine, accomplishing this with high schoolers is no small task. Everyone is trying to be cool and the perception of others to them is one of the most important things (why they have a social media obsession). I knew I had to break down barriers and make each player feel important to me and the team. I would think about this constantly, about how I spread my attention and interactions. This is one of the biggest things I learned, is that it’s actually incredibly hard to build the deep relationships I wanted in a limited practice setting. I tried to schedule 5 minute check ins with everyone and realized that too only went so far, but it was a good start. I also realized that fun team bonding activities take a long time to create deeper bonds within the team and with limited time until season I got this idea to do “sandwich day”. I thought maybe if I can show them what letting your guard down looks like, maybe they will do the same. I surprised them one night with sandwiches and we ate and they listened to me tell my story of what I went through in high school, my battle with mental health, coming out, and more. Yeah, it was a lot, and they were so great. The group went on to have an incredible discussion, one that was the foundation for what was to come.

The team that missed playoffs for the top 16 teams before I arrived, ended up ranking number three in Los Angeles and upset the reigning Southern Section champion from 2018 (later went on to win 2019). The program started with under 30 girls and now sits about 65 with preseason two weeks away. I can’t tell you how it makes me feel to see what I already knew was possible, come to fruition for the group I had the privilege to coach this past year.

Coaching at Westlake was incredible, but it didn’t come without its challenges. I had to learn to balance pushing the girls that wanted to go play at the highest levels without turning the ones away that were good lacrosse players and kids but simply played for the fun of it and only picked up the lacrosse stick January-May. It’s one of the other difficult parts of coaching high school, figuring out what motivates and excites each individual player because it varies so much. Managing the team alone was another learning curve of what practices would look like, how to manage the game and subbing, of which I failed frequently and constantly had to make adjustments. I’d try out new plays and drills with them only to find out they wouldn’t work with the team. I wondered if I was changing things up too much or giving them more than they could handle. I was incredibly tested on my coaching philosophy trying to balance knowing what it takes to succeed while acknowledging they needed space to be kids and have fun. Monday’s became the running joke because they couldn’t focus and our practices often ran longer because of it. Ultimately, these Monday practices became some of the highlights for the girls at the end of the season and at the end of their careers as their favorite memories. I learned to accept the girls needed this time even if this extension in our practice time didn’t exactly correlate to skill improvement.

Coaching club we faced a lot of similar challenges with the mission to improve the lives of girls on and off the lacrosse field. We realized that a lot of club teams have a similar mission statement, yet don’t live by it in daily actions. One of the reasons why I loved coaching with Fire was because every conversation was about how to improve experiences for each player and around making every player better. Our focus shifted to long-term development of the girls as players and people. Coming from the east coast you see a lot of kids get into this game all-in only to be burnt out and end up quitting once they get to college. Ultimately, we’re here to serve the girls, and every day we discussed how we can do that better. I believe throughout the two years we did.

I truly have enjoyed so much of this experience and have learned much more than a simple blog post can contain. I was just talking to a family friend about how impressed I was with these kids. I don’t know if it’s their early adoption of technology but they are so incredibly smart. They’re having real, thoughtful conversations about topics going on in the real world, something I hardly did with my friends in high school. One day during practice we were talking about feminism and I didn’t even know what that was until college as crazy as it sounds now. These kids are starting nonprofits, committing so much time to established ones, being leads in school plays, involved in junior leagues, participating in choirs and bands, giving TED talks, holding jobs, taking care of younger siblings, and more. They impressed me so much and were many times sources of motivation for me to work hard. When I was their age I could hardly keep myself afloat with school and sports. Part of the problem I believe is the pressure to attend a big college and the perceived requirements to do that, especially in an area like Los Angeles where so many go on to do so. The one thing that I have constantly tried to instill in these kids is an unwavering belief in their success because I see their potential and qualities to succeed every day in practice.

If there is anything high school coaches take from my experience is how important it is to build relationships with the kids and to really understand their struggles. Yes, they will be kids and pull shenanigans and "suspect” behavior, but they’re teenagers without a fully developed pre-frontal cortex and are physically incapable of making all the right decisions. They face very real struggles, and for girls, it is especially hard as the standards for being a girl and women in this country are impossible to meet. I’ve come across many who face very real struggles with mental health and only are made worse by coaches that refuse to acknowledge their realities. I really hope this changes, and more realize that empathy and connection are vital to success with teams.

I really just might have to write a book on all of this one day, because it’s incredibly difficult to write everything I want to in one blog. Everything that you know now, I want to come back to this:

“I’m so anxious about moving. What if I don’t know enough or I’m not good at this? What if I don’t fit in and make friends in LA?”

I had no idea how this was going to work out or what it would like, and throughout the process, I still questioned a lot. In a way, this was I think what brought me success, but it also was a huge detriment to my happiness at times. I hardly took the time to really let it all sink in and internalize everything I did and constantly searched for ways to improve. This is something I’m working to change in 2020, to stop and acknowledge the progress made before pushing forward. I also did not do any of this on my own, and I’m so grateful for those that were there to support me in my journey over the past two years. The parents, co-workers, friends, family, and more that were there for me I cannot thank you enough. I have been able to meet some of the most amazing people in Los Angeles I can’t even begin. Everyone always made me feel welcome, loved, and free to be my weird self. For that and so much more I am so grateful.

Deciding to leave Los Angeles is the hardest decision I’ve made in my adult life, and it’s because of all the people that made it such a special place. As I was heading out for my holiday break back home and looking down on everyone enjoying the alumni game together at Westlake I couldn’t help but feel such pride for the tradition I started and its growth, sadness to be leaving, but also excitement that the communities I’ve been apart of will continue to grow and flourish when I’m gone.

I hope in leaving I am continuing to teach these kids about life. The world will have you think that after you graduate college and most certainly by the age of 30 you have to have it all figured out. The reality is, we all have our own paths and timelines. A lot of times these paths will require a lot of hard decisions about careers, relationships, and more. Ultimately, you are the only one that lives with your choices, knows your intentions and reasoning, and is the authority of what you do and how you do it.

To all my children, you will never be forgotten. My greatest hope is for you to find what motivates and excites you and never let go, never stop working for your dreams. If I taught you anything, I hope it’s that if you’re willing to work for something bad enough you can get there. It might not look exactly the way you thought, but in the end, hard work always pays off.

Two more weeks to enjoy all my LA family, and then it’s on to the next adventure. Thank you for reading, for following the journey. I have no idea what’s to come and I’m a little nervous, but if these past two years of growth are any indication of what’s to come I can’t wait.